Finding time for calm in real life: challenges, frustrations & how to overcome them.
I get asked a lot about how to deal with the challenges and barriers to making time for a practice.
Whether you’re wanting to add 15 minutes of mindful movement into your life, or 20 minutes of yoga nidra deep relaxation, 10 minutes of a restorative resting pose , or even just 5 minutes of meditation, you might experience some very common frustrations.
Here are the 4 most common challenges I hear, and some tips on how to overcome them …
1. “I intend to do it but then the day gets busy and before I know it I’m comatose on the couch at night”.
Sadly, if you work, have family to look after, or have responsibilities, in fact if you’re a human in the world today, you are probably going to have to make a specified date, time and place for your self care or it will not happen.
It can be really helpful to:
Have a practice space set up all the time so that you don’t have to get anything out or pack anything away. You’re not going to move furniture around or hunt for your yoga mat if you’re tired or only have 10 minutes. If your bolster is kept near a blank space of wall, you can be in Legs Up the Wall pose in a second.
Start really small, with something really short. For example, set your alarm 5 minutes earlier than usual and when it goes off in the morning, sit up in bed and do a 5 minute meditation. Trust me, this is enough to change your day entirely, especially if you do it consistently. Over time it might bring the clarity and space to encourage even more self care, because regular meditation brings clarity and makes time seem slower.
Attach the practice to an existing part of your daily routine. For example, try a calming, focusing breathing practice to refresh your mind between work and home life. Or a 10 minute gratitude practice in bed at night before you fall asleep. This 12 minute Lighten Up mindful movement sequence is something you could enjoy while your porridge or coffee is brewing in the morning, and if you have kids they might even join in too so that you can all start your day with expansive breathing, intention and some joy.
2. “I did it for a few days but then I stopped. I felt bad about it, so I never went back to it”.
We often just don’t give ourselves enough of a chance, underestimating how long it takes to weave something good into the fabric of our lives.
One study found that the time it takes to form a new habit such as drinking more water, or going for a short daily run, "ranged from 18 to 254 days; indicating considerable variation in how long it takes people to reach their limit of automaticity and highlighting that it can take a very long time".
So, be kind to yourself. Don’t assume that missing a day or a week means it’s all over. That same study above found that missing a day didn’t make any difference to long term habit formation, as long as we do go back to forming the habit, instead of giving up.
What we’ve learned does not disappear during the missed days. It’s still all there for you to build on when you come back to it.
3. “There is literally not a single spare minute of the day that I have to myself”
Many women I work with are in that challenging phase of life where they’re looking after both children and ageing parents, as well as working full time, and sometimes even single parenting on top of it all.
If you literally do not have a single spare minute in the day, please don’t underestimate the power of a householder practice, where we weave moments of mindfulness and awareness into work and family life. I’m not talking about “self-improvement/flat abs/thinner thighs/15 squats a day” type practices. I’m advocating small, simple things that nourish and restore your nervous system and give you back some energy and calm.
For example …
Practice a couple of cycles of Sipping the Cloud breath or the Grounding Breath while you’re making meals, washing dishes or folding laundry.
Put your legs up the wall or on a chair while you’re helping the kids with their homework to nourish your adrenals and lymph system. They won’t care, and possibly won’t even notice, if you’re upside down, but if they join in, the whole family will be a lot calmer!
Before and after answering emails, take just 3 breaths to notice the texture and length of your breath, and how your body feels.
If you have young kids, make cat meows while you do Cat Pose to release tension in your back. Or lengthen your exhalations by blowing bubbles or singing their favourite word for as long as you can - it’ll make you all feel more relaxed.
Start small, with one small thing, and when life takes over and you forget, be kind to yourself and just pick it up again.
4. “It feels selfish to take time to practice self care just for myself”
In their brilliant book “Burnout”, authors Emily & Amelia Nahoski describe “Human Giver Syndrome”, which has at its heart “the unspoken assumption that women should give everything, every moment of their lives, every drop of energy, to the care of others”. In this cultural framework, we have been easily conditioned to feel selfish when we do something to promote our own well-being. (I highly recommend reading “Burnout” if you can. It’s an easy, fun read, evidence-based, practical and very enlightening).
You are meant to be a human being, not a human giver 24/7. You have the right to take care of yourself, without reason or excuse. However, if it helps, pin these 3 considerations onto your fridge or desk:
How will it affect the people around you if you increase your tolerance and compassion, sustain your future physical strength & independence, and find more energy?
If you have young people in your life, what behaviours are they internalising by observing you? And how will this affect their own future health and lifestyle?
Did you know that if you’re sitting next to someone who’s feeling stressed and you slow down your breathing, their own breathing is likely to unconsciously also slow down, easing their stress? Calm is contagious!
However you choose to weave calm and self care into your daily life, remember that you are enough, just as you are.
These tips aren’t about self-improvement, they’re about self-nourishment.
If you would like to nourish yourself with a weekly practice or afternoon retreat, join us on Zoom from anywhere in the world or come along in person to my local Huon Valley offerings here.
For personalised guidance for your unique constitution, mind, body & daily life, see my individual zoom session packages.
For simple, effective 10 to 40 minute practices you can do at home, try my online sanctuary Calm & Courage
If you live in Southern Tasmania or can join us on Zoom and would like to nourish yourself with a weekly practice or afternoon retreat, my local Huon Valley offerings are here.
